Mistakes? They're only mistakes in THIS reality.

So I did something I shouldn't have done. On Halloween, against my better judgment, I texted Josh, not expecting him to text back. And the second he did, I knew I was in trouble.

I would just like to say that nothing is happening between us. Of course I care about him. And it was like a stab to my heart, a gut-wrenching twist of the knife, to hear that he loves me still. But nothing is happening. Nothing CAN happen right now, maybe ever.

I feel like my life had two possibilities. I mean, obviously every choice you make opens up hundreds of different ways your life could have been. But for me, I feel that my life had really two main possibilities. Josh, or Scott. And it's obvious which track my life is on right now. But it still hurts, quite a lot.

I find that I can barely function or get out of bed, I just have no strength. And I don't mean physical strength. I almost feel that there's really no point in getting up, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, going to work. I mean, what's the point of it all? It's all working toward a life that I don't know if I ever truly wanted.

But I made my choice, several times. And I hurt both of them with every move I made. All I can do now is hope that someday, he'll find someone that will make him happy. I know that's how I SHOULD feel, but I actually don't. I want him to be with me, and no one else. But I don't want him to be alone forever, if that's how this all ends up. What I REALLY want is a time machine. And to go back to that time, and have more patience with him. I should have understood that he really did care, but he was insecure. I should have given him time. But I was selfish, and that's pretty much the story of my life, so I guess I'm reaping what I sowed.

But honestly, I miss him with every bone in my body. I do. And I feel that a huge part of me is missing without him. And this whole post probably sounds emo and everything, but it's how I feel, regardless. I just have to live my life pining for him, and hoping it will get better. And every day, I'll wonder if he remembers me, if he's thought about me recently, if he misses me. Because that's what I wonder about now, and it doesn't get better. I'll wonder if he would still think I'm beautiful (and of course, if you asked him, he would say that he'll think I'm beautiful as long as he lives).

I guess what I REALLY have to do is have faith that God knows what's going to happen to me, and He has had it planned out since the beginning of the world. I have to have faith that He knows what's best for me, and that He is actively doing what's best for me. It's just that right now, He feels so far away from me, and I wish that I could just talk to God face to face, and He would say, "Courtney, I know you're hurting right now. But it'll get better." Or, "Courtney, I know you're hurting right now. But don't worry, this is not what's meant for your life. Here's what I have planned for you..." I know that can't happen, but I want it to... I wish I could know what's meant for my life. I wish I knew how much time I have left. I mean, if I only have a year left, I want to spend it happy, not suffering. And if I'm eventually going to end up with Josh, then I know that right now, I don't have to worry or suffer.

I just want to go back in time and do my life over again.

I apologize to anyone who reads this for this depressing post, but I had to get it all out.