I have had problems with this. A lot. And they're cropping up a lot more now, probably because I feel like my life is not where it's supposed to be at all.
I want to have a baby. Badly. It seems like everyone around me is having a beautiful baby. They all have beautiful pregnancies, beautiful baby things like bibs and binkys, cradles and carseats. And they have beautiful plans for how they're going to take care of their beautiful babies.
I want to be in another country. Erika actually inspired me to look into MJC's study abroad options. And the next one is in London. How... utterly... amazing. It would be just... so amazing. I just... whenever I think about it, I close my eyes and hope with every fiber of my being that when I open them, I will be in London in the study abroad program.
I could never afford it.
I want to know what it's like to be married to the person that you KNOW, without the shadow of a doubt, that you want to spend every waking moment of the rest of your life with.
So actually, I close my eyes, and I hope with every fiber of my being these things:
1. That I will be in London with the study abroad program.
2. That back home, my husband whom I love passionately and dearly, will be passionately loving me back and waiting desperately for my return
3. That when I get home, we will be able to start planning for a baby.
Will any of those things happen for me? Probably not. I don't know if my life vs. what I so desperately desire is all a big joke for God, but most of the time it seems so. Why, for the love of all that is holy, would God instill in my heart such a desire to experience life, have amazing love with a man, and give birth to a beautiful baby if none of those things are going to happen for me?
I think most of my life is a joke for God. I mean... with all honesty, it's got to be someone, right? Like, there are people who aren't meant to get married, or have kids, or strike it rich, or have their dream job. And I guess some people are meant to be God's lightning rod of frustration.
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Awwwww, Courtney this is such a poignant post! I know that its so hard to see the path right in front of you; sometimes its just so much easier to live in the future. I just remember being very depressed at Westmont the past semester, with my MS acting up and dad's cancer. I would escape into Orvieto, look it up online and wish that I was there. That's actually how I got up the nerve to go on this program.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying that an abroad program is bad...its actually worked out wonderfully for me :0) Just don't despair in this moment - life won't ever be easy, but I've come to realize that makes it even more rich.