The Woes of Me

Well. This is the third blog I've started in my lifetime. Hopefully this site will prove to be more inspirational to me than the last ones... whose names will go unmentioned. Let's just say that I haven't been on them for so long, I doubt I would even be able to log back in. Ah, the good ole' days, when I only blogged because the boy I liked blogged on that site too.

But lately, I've been thinking that some of my closer friends would be incredibly happy if I started seriously blogging my thoughts, problems, opinions, etc., instead of dumping it all on them. As much as I know they love me, I've gotta love them too, I guess. And take all my frustration and opinionated...-ness, out on a poor, defenseless blog.

We can mourn for it later ;)

But right now, let me give a general overview of my life, and how it's turning around for the better... at least for the time being.

I grew up in a small, conservative Christian town in California, and attending the private, Christian school in that town from kindergarten until I graduated high school. It holds a special place in my heart. I miss it dearly, especially high school.... ah, the memories. Anyway!

I went to San Jose State when I started my college career. Shortly after I moved into the dorms, I met my husband, Scott, on an MMO. He lived in Georgia, I lived in California... long story short, we were engaged the following February (after we had met several times in person), and we got married... not the following August, but the August after.

The next December, we were separated. And in January, he went back to Georgia, because he had no place to stay here, and neither of us made enough money on our own to actually survive on our own.

I won't place the blame on any one person, because we were both equally at fault. But sometimes I do place all the blame on me, but I have to force myself not to do that.... it makes the guilt of it all eat away at me, until all I can think about is hearing him sobbing alone, where he thought no one could hear him, and knowing that it was because of me that he was crying.

I think if I spent my whole life trying to make up for it.... I don't know, maybe trying to make it up to Scott. Maybe just spending the rest of my life in celibacy, denying myself the things I love most... maybe if I never read another book, or maybe if I never played video games again, or maybe if I never had sex again, maybe if I never ever sang or hummed a tune... maybe THEN, when I got to heaven, I would be able to be guilt free. MAYBE, but probably not. "Guilty" really isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about it all.

But you can't change the past, no matter how often you wish for a time machine. That's something I had to learn the hard way, by yanking my head out of the clouds and realizing that time travel doesn't exist. And if it does, I'm not important enough to know about it. Which sucks, because there are a whole lot of things I'm not important enough to know about. I'm the kind of person that just really wants to know secrets. I don't really want to tell anyone else, I just want to know the secrets for the sake of knowing them. I'm really the most trustworthy person to entrust a secret to, because I really have no interest in telling them to anyone. I just have this compulsive need to possess the knowledge of a secret.

So, back to my overview.

Scott and I are now in a state of limbo. I have a great job, after being out of work since November. And he has a job too, back in Georgia. And I mean, who ever really WANTS a divorce? It's just sometimes necessary, or inevitable, or... whatever other word you want to use. But I know that I love him, and I don't want a divorce. And I know that he loves me, and he doesn't want a divorce. So I guess I'm hoping he'll come back to me, even though I know I don't deserve it.

Now, I work at a preschool. I love kids, and especially those ones. They're pretty awesome. So I'm getting experience with kids, which I will need for my aspiration to become a child therapist to come true. AND I'm working with my mom, who is a teacher, and I get to be her aide. Which is awesome, because I really don't do dirty diapers, and she doesn't mind them, having had three children of her own.

In a couple weeks, my own school semester starts, and I'm excited to get into a busy schedule, so that I don't have time to just sit and think about how much I miss Scott.

So anyway, now you have a general overview of my life, and I'm sure you're just overenthused... is that a word?

Welcome to the thoughts, opinions, and rantings of Courtney. I'm sure you'll enjoy it here :)